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Demo

by John Bradley

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1.
There’s a time when people get sick and they don’t get better from it, it goes from get well soon to I’ll visit your tomb. There’s this guilt that i can’t kick, I’ve tried to get over it, I did not spend enough time with you when I had the chance to. I’ll miss you so, even though, you probably won’t ever know. There are people that you won’t miss til they’re gone long enough to let go of your fists and want them to come back home or to at least pick up the phone. I’m still a little ways from this, you’re still at the top of my list, maybe you or I will get sick and we’ll learn to live, or at least let go maybe try to grow from all our past blows. Until then i’ll miss you so, even though, you probably won't ever know. I wanna make up for lost time, I wanna show you how the time could have been spent, from all the times I was stubborn, or selfish, I’m sorry I get like this when i’m insecure or lacking confidence but I hope you know you’ll always be missed when you’re gone. I hope there’s a time before you leave that I’m able to say the things i mean, like how much you mean to me. If not I will miss you so and I hope that you know even though I probably never showed. And if I can’t before we both get going where we may all go I hope my love was always known.
2.
02:35
Something crazy about calling you baby, it’s that I can’t but I used to just before. “Time is relative,” you said, I think I’d rather be dead, no I don’t mean that, at least not so much anymore. I know things can get better and maybe wait a couple nights, least I know I can’t take my own life. Too many burdens to leave on people that love me, even if I don’t know why. I’m afraid of the time I walk outside and nothing of my own is there. I’m afraid of how much I give of myself to people that eventually lose care. June of 2015, June of 2030, where the fuck will I be? Back where it all began, back where I can go insane, shed some skin, remember my name. Something crazy about calling you baby, it’s that I can't but I used to just before, like when you’re voice replayed “until the polaroids fade,” now I don’t hear you singing much anymore. June of 2016, June of 2030, where the fuck will I be? Back where it all began, back where I can go insane, Shed some skin, remember my name.
3.
keep your hands at your side it's a long winding drive is it filling your mind are you watching the time do you wish you were home do you wish you could go am i still in the back is it hard to keep track Do you miss me in the morning or at night the most? Do you wish we had the chance to take the trip along the coast? Well I cant block out a trip to your dad's. Driving your car, with you singing like mad. So I traced the seat, my fingers move past the stitching. See I saw our end, but I tried to get back to the beginning. My hand finally found yours trapped under your thighs. You felt uncomfortable whenever i let the road slip from my eyes. I felt like your lover in the bed you shaped your life. I still wish i met your mother, especially after my own time under the knife. I hope one day you're alone, or maybe someone’s there with you, and you think back to me and how i cared for you. You think about our fortress, those four wheels on thin ice, maybe we were always sliding but it always felt nice.
4.
It’s been more than a year, I still dream about you every night, unless I’m sidetracked by petty things that keep sleep out of sight. When I was working my fingers through triplets and blood, you were what I kept thinking of. Or when the sun was coming up, and we kept pushing through, now I hope one day I wake up and I don't think of you. If you still think of me I hope that it’s good. I still think of you probably even more than I should. Your jean jacket days, tights through the nights, and Ii’m wondering why if I’ve got actual battles to fight, why am I still consumed with those eyes? They are not mine, they’re not mine. Nothing is in life. If I make it through this, I guess we’ll have to see, the type of person that I will be, angry or timid, too scared of living we’ll see.
5.
A couple morphine mornings, when does morning start if at night you aren’t sleeping? Maybe I was awake, but fever dreaming, trying to focus on what I was feeling. They stitched me up, but I felt open, I miss the days when I felt like I was floating. No one’s calling my phone, how can I focus on matters at hand when everyone knows I’m home, but no one’s trying to say hello? I thought how dare you leave me when I needed you the most? Til i realized how dare I’m needy based on my problems alone? I’m sure you’ve heard some things from different people around the bend, but please don’t let this be how it all ends. A couple nights when I’d overanalyze things you told me, they don’t mean shit if at night you feel lonely. I'm trying to be the bigger person, but I wonder if anyone knows how bad I’m hurting. I’m getting selfish again, but maybe myself and I are my only real true friends. I hope I live to see a day where I can tell you the truth. and I hope you tell me our time apart, it hurt you too. I thought how dare you leave me when I needed you the most? Til i realized how dare I’m needy based on my problems alone? I’m sure you’ve heard some things from different people around the bend, but please don’t let this be how it all ends. Wait I’m not done, I'll never be. I can’t just stop that easily. It’s stubborn and frustrating, a never ending fascination with all the worst possible calculations, of how this might seem to anyone outside of this thing, I hope you understand what this all means and how I’ve been dealing. and why I thought how dare you leave me when I needed you the most. Til i realized how dare i’m needy based on my problems alone. And I’m sure you’ve heard somethings from different people around the bend, but please don’t let this be, no please don't let this be, I won’t let this be how it all ends.

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released March 10, 2017

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John Bradley Piscataway Township, New Jersey

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